My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.