@Brianhopecomedy: My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I'm not buying it as I don't think she can even say, "Please kick me in the face".
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@JKickinit30: [hiding in the bushes] Me:*whispering*they can't see me Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.
@dafloydsta: *goes to bathroom *takes out phone *opens Twitter *finishes *pulls pants up *flushes *forgets to poop
@danagould: The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that's just about to happen anyway.