My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
me 2 months after i graduated
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice