My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Realize this:
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/