My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital