@Cheeseboy22: My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.
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@shamans_heal: The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.
@Brianhopecomedy: UGH, I was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then my wife called to say she'd be home.
@Owl_Meat: [presidents 2km race - finish line] OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record? CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
@pinupteacher: 3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car. Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you're grunting.