My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Usage Guidelines
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”