My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You Might Also Like
this has to be peak English
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”