My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.