My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.