@ericsshadow: My son is so lazy he's went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She's constantly mad at me "There are squirrels living in our house" THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN
@AlexRogaski: The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
@Vodkantots: Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that's been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.