My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.