My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?