My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Had an epiphany today.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday