My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I put the mess in domestic.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!