my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You Might Also Like
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!