@jonnysun: my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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@TrueTorontoGirl: Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car? Me: I don't know but if you do, I'm not sharing.
@Matt_The_1st: This is an emergency! *Begs to borrow strangers phone *starts scrolling through pics
@ObscureGent: If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I'm gonna call for help is a plumber.
@jonnysun: ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood