my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.