My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy