My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.