@BuckyIsotope: My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it's when your anaconda don't want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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@Ygrene: [being murdered by neighbor] *I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*
@hipstermermaid: "The Shining" is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don't have an Internet connection.
@hipchkk: The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.