My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.