My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
You Might Also Like
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.