My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Breaking news:
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
When libraries troll their patrons.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience