My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Before & after 😅
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Check out the legs on this baby
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.