My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Birds & Planes.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture