My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.