My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.