My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries