Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph