@ValeeGrrl: My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn't at all concern & terrify me.
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@LuckoftheDraw86: So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
@johnbcrist: I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I've never been more angry.
@praisecheese: Me: I've invested heavily in hedgehog funds. You: I think you mean hedge funds. *opens door to roomful of hedgehogs* Me: Nope.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout? Oh... *reaches under mesh shirt* *takes off nipple ring* Better?