5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.