My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today