My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.