My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot