My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders