If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Wait a second…
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Breaking news:
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
🤣dope
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral