my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’