The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.