NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk