@Elizasoul80: My son just said "I'm sorry I can't be cute right now, I'm hungry" and I've never understood him better.
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@walks_on_legs: Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
@lazerdoov: *in a job interview* No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker
@stockejock: When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
@goodhairperson: I forgot the word "torch" earlier today so I googled "fire on a stick." I have two degrees in English.