@Elizasoul80: My son just said "I'm sorry I can't be cute right now, I'm hungry" and I've never understood him better.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
@illTortuga: I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
@dulcetry: [me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife