My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Cake safety first. Always.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.