[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*