@MomOnFire: My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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@SatansTongue: *slips a 20* How about a private dance "Okay let's go" *heads to private room* "You ready?" Oh hell yeah *we both do the cha cha slide*
@Vodkantots: It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.
@MatCro: [heaven] IAN: I only regret the things I didn't do ME: Me too I: Like, I didn't swim with dolphins. You? M: I didn't stop poking a bear