@MomOnFire: My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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@david8hughes: [in class] Me: hey, can I borrow a pen? Guy: sure, black or blue? Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
@KeetPotato: me: "im confused, run that by me again" doctor: "you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that's just what we call the machine"