My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.