me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.