your honor my client chooses dare
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[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”