My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.