@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination

@MeemawKate: "Are you still watching?" Yes, Netflix. I didn't magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

@lanyardtwerk: Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.

@WineMummy: Sure laying me down on a "Bed of Roses" sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

@GingerHotDish: Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work. Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I'm in HR again.