My son just told me he wouldn't kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he's a Nazi or just a nerd

@roggyie: Twitter: Where if the chemistry's good, the geography won't be..

@HTownHarold: Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

@dxblarssonENG: "No Karen I don't want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats" or as I usually say: "Awww how cute"

10

@DaddyJew: Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.

1

@TheTweetOfGod: The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.

583

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets