@KenJennings: My son just told me he wouldn't kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he's a Nazi or just a nerd
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@imence2: Some people have no respect. It's obvious I'm on my phone trying to do something & this guys all "STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"
@MasterOfFury: Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it's so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don't suspect a thing.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace? Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
@ElgatoEsmio: When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?