My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
This is amazing.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.