My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If only.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Happy Thanksgiving
crying
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I’m crying im so happy for them
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?