My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
You Might Also Like
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
it was a valiant fight