My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?