@weirdralph: My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It's supposed to prevent streaking.
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@TheGladStork: Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you.
@matt_simpson84: My wife and I have an ongoing game called "Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House" that she doesn't know we are playing
@Parkerlawyer: My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out. That was easy.