@weirdralph: My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It's supposed to prevent streaking.
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@lovejulieacafe: *Speed Dating* Him: Do you have any hobbies? Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard* "TAAA-DAAA!"
@DontFollowDave: Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
@sixfootcandy: Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference? Me: Not if you're considering me for the job.
@kumailn: It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.