My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.