My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I think we should hear other voices.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”