My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*puts my mental health in rice
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.