My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My good tweets are in my other pants.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs