My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.